PERSONAL DISCOVERIES

PERSONAL DISCOVERIES
One of the important things I learned about myself when the medical professionals, family and friends started treating me differently is that I was acting differently too. They were reacting to my reaction to my illness. When I would say I wasn’t feeling well, I would be upset that they said I didn’t look sick. For some reason it was important to me I guess that I looked sick and I didn’t like the fact that they couldn’t see that. It never occurred to me that they were actually trying to make me feel better. To me, I wasn’t believed.
It is only when I started taking it less personally and looking at it from their point of view, did I start to understand that they were afraid to say anything simply because of the way I would react. In other words, there really was no right answer. I would slink more and more into myself and of course the new person who was emerging was nobody they knew. Hence, on all sides, we were playing a former self of ourselves.
I think most of us in our lives when we are temporarily ill never really said anything about it except to say we were under the weather with a flu or a cold. We did not expect much sympathy nor did we give much thought as to whether we were believed or not. It just didn’t enter into the picture. However, when everything you used to do all of a sudden isn’t there anymore, you find yourself grasping at straws of normalcy. All of a sudden being believed has become a big thing.
For some reason, in my way of thinking everything would be okay if my friends and family would believe in me. When I really looked at the matter more closely, whether they believed in me or not, it did not change anything. Why was it so important to be believed? Those who cared about me would believe me and those who didn’t,we, there was nothing I could say or do to convince them and did it really matter?
I had to do a lot of talking to myself to get me to realize that no matter what, my real friends and family would be there for me and those others would come or go as time and circumstances changed. When I would say ‘every body’ left me, I had to look at what that really meant. My working friends. Yes, they left me. After awhile we had nothing in common anymore. Did I really want to hear about what was going on at a job I was no longer at? Of course not, and they in turn were busy with their own lives and that did not include a past employee of a firm. I started to remember that those who had left for other reasons, had not stayed in in touch with us and why would they?. They had moved on and were now involved in their new occupation and location. That put things in a much better perspective for me.
The “doing friends”. That was another category of friend. We would go to movies together or go out for a drink etc. As long as I was in a doing-mode, we had a lot in common, but once I was out of that mode, those doers kept doing and I was left on the side. Did I really want to hear where they went and what they did when I wasn’t able to join them? Of course not, so that too put a brand-new spin on things.
So, I learned, not to generalize and look at things as they really are. Sure, there may be those who do not believe you but that doesn’t mean ‘everybody’ doesn’t believe you. You will find that those who do are much more numerous than those who don’t.

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